Last night, during these most beautiful of October weather days, I was chatting with a friend about dating. It wasn't a deep conversation, just a discussion about dating for millennials and our own children.
I remember a group of single adults laughing when someone used the term "swipe left," to which I was totally clueless until recently. My friend tells me her son uses Snapchat, and sometimes he'll ask girls out on dates through social media. I asked her what she thought about it, to which she replied, "I HATE it." And I had to respond, "Me too." But we both agreed, we'd rather have them doing that than NOTHING." She agreed. Because then there's this other thing people do now. They sit at home, and they do NOTHING. They sometimes play video games, they hang out with their friends, but they have forgotten how to get to know someone one-on-one.
I also realized, I don't understand this generation. When I'm giving my kids dating advice, it's really advice for someone who dated in the late nineties. My kids aren't even dating yet, but I am foreseeing problems, here. I am secretly (or not-so-secretly) glad I didn't have to date during the social media years. When we went to high school dances, like homecoming or prom, we asked each other using lame-or-clever puzzles with our names hidden inside (ie: balloons filled with strips of paper, of which only one has the name of the askee). When we wanted to play laser tag or go to Godfather's, we asked face-to-face at school or over the phone. Landlines, even. It was scary, but we did it. We didn't have cell phones to revert to.
Good or bad? Probably both. At least my friend's son is using Snapchat as a gateway to meeting someone in person. But because I once hung around young adult groups for a few years, I believe many of them didn't even know how to socialize in person. Your kids text their friends in the same room and it's funny or obnoxious, but when they're young adults? It's sad. When things get awkward, or when we are bored or want to seem like we have important things to do, we pull out our phones. Yesterday, for example, I was waiting for my husband outside a lecture room at the university, and there were five students waiting to get in. Every single one of them was on their phone. During the five minutes that I waited, none of them ever put their phone away. Eighteen years ago, when I would get stuck in a hallway with other students, we would either fall asleep on the floor or talk to each other.
Not that I met my husband at college. We were set up on a blind date. When it comes to blind dates and online dating, we have to be extremely careful. EXTREMELY. There are some creeps out there. But that's not what I'm finding when I talk to young adults and teenagers about their dates. This is more of what I get:
"He just wasn't my type."
"She wasn't that hot."
"I'm looking for someone who already has a career."
"I need someone to take care of me, someone with lots of money."
"I want to marry someone like Captain America."
"I want to marry someone like Black Widow."
"He's addicted to video games."
"She reads novels, and I can't deal with that."
"I need to marry a really good singer."
"I'm marrying a doctor, and that's that."
"I want the perfect woman."
Oookaaayyy....
Just so everybody's clear, Captain America is NOT REAL. Also, there is no such thing as the perfect woman or perfect man. That is not possible. Putting so many limits on who you will marry is - no offense - kind of pathetic. Don't get me wrong. You should definitely have standards. And you don't need to date anybody you deem "creep-fest." But stop looking for the perfect match and start having fun. Because as a friend once said, "It's Just Dinner."
Tom Robinson, a professor of advertising at Brigham Young University, came up with this phrase while speaking to a group of young adults nearby. He wanted everyone to stop looking for the perfect mate on a first date, and to take the pressure off dating. We expect too much. We worry too much. We think marriage is at stake (and around here most of us are the religious, marrying kind). And I've often found that because of that pressure that people don't even want to date.
For teenagers, this is completely different, but the pressure is still there. Lots of drama. They forget they're teenagers and they stress about dating and boyfriends and girlfriends. I remember a young man in our neighborhood telling me about his prom experience, and that the "before date" (the time when they take their dates skating or kayaking or whatever) was fun, but once the girl had to put a dress on that she was quiet and withdrawn. Maybe because she felt she had to compete with the other girls. Maybe because there was too much pressure. But dating should be fun. I tried not to let my dresses get in the way of having fun at my prom. I laughed, I joked around; it wasn't much different from being around my friends at school. Being at a dance gave us more time to interact and socialize. I got to know so many people by going on dates with them. If pressure ever got in the way - and it did once or twice - it wasn't fun anymore.
I'm not prepared to teach my kids because they live in a different world than I do. The reality is, they use cell phones all the time. They connect with others through their phones. They can meet people online whether we want them to or not. When my husband and I talk about the way we did things as teenagers, we did not have to compete with phones. Our kids do. And I don't know what to tell them. What are they going to do, ask their dates not to bring their cell phones with them? Too controlling. But I do want them to learn to communicate with people beyond the screen. I'm not sure how to get them to do it, other than setting an example for them. We take our boys to the neighbors with us and we all sit down and talk. We try to get them to hang out with their friends and do things besides gather around a screen. It sounds easy when you say it, but it's hard when their friends show up with phones and I don't feel like I can tell them what to do.
In other words, we're all figuring this out together. There are things we know, as parents, that we definitely should tell our kids. Help them figure things out where you can, and where you can't, pray that they'll be able to figure it out. Dating doesn't have to be tough, and it doesn't have to be so in-your-face. And when hearts are broken, at least I can be one to say, "Hey, I've been there. Right now it sucks, I know. But you know what? You're strong enough to get through it and start over again."
Or at least, something like that.
I remember a group of single adults laughing when someone used the term "swipe left," to which I was totally clueless until recently. My friend tells me her son uses Snapchat, and sometimes he'll ask girls out on dates through social media. I asked her what she thought about it, to which she replied, "I HATE it." And I had to respond, "Me too." But we both agreed, we'd rather have them doing that than NOTHING." She agreed. Because then there's this other thing people do now. They sit at home, and they do NOTHING. They sometimes play video games, they hang out with their friends, but they have forgotten how to get to know someone one-on-one.
I also realized, I don't understand this generation. When I'm giving my kids dating advice, it's really advice for someone who dated in the late nineties. My kids aren't even dating yet, but I am foreseeing problems, here. I am secretly (or not-so-secretly) glad I didn't have to date during the social media years. When we went to high school dances, like homecoming or prom, we asked each other using lame-or-clever puzzles with our names hidden inside (ie: balloons filled with strips of paper, of which only one has the name of the askee). When we wanted to play laser tag or go to Godfather's, we asked face-to-face at school or over the phone. Landlines, even. It was scary, but we did it. We didn't have cell phones to revert to.
Good or bad? Probably both. At least my friend's son is using Snapchat as a gateway to meeting someone in person. But because I once hung around young adult groups for a few years, I believe many of them didn't even know how to socialize in person. Your kids text their friends in the same room and it's funny or obnoxious, but when they're young adults? It's sad. When things get awkward, or when we are bored or want to seem like we have important things to do, we pull out our phones. Yesterday, for example, I was waiting for my husband outside a lecture room at the university, and there were five students waiting to get in. Every single one of them was on their phone. During the five minutes that I waited, none of them ever put their phone away. Eighteen years ago, when I would get stuck in a hallway with other students, we would either fall asleep on the floor or talk to each other.
Not that I met my husband at college. We were set up on a blind date. When it comes to blind dates and online dating, we have to be extremely careful. EXTREMELY. There are some creeps out there. But that's not what I'm finding when I talk to young adults and teenagers about their dates. This is more of what I get:
"He just wasn't my type."
"She wasn't that hot."
"I'm looking for someone who already has a career."
"I need someone to take care of me, someone with lots of money."
"I want to marry someone like Captain America."
"I want to marry someone like Black Widow."
"He's addicted to video games."
"She reads novels, and I can't deal with that."
"I need to marry a really good singer."
"I'm marrying a doctor, and that's that."
"I want the perfect woman."
Oookaaayyy....
Just so everybody's clear, Captain America is NOT REAL. Also, there is no such thing as the perfect woman or perfect man. That is not possible. Putting so many limits on who you will marry is - no offense - kind of pathetic. Don't get me wrong. You should definitely have standards. And you don't need to date anybody you deem "creep-fest." But stop looking for the perfect match and start having fun. Because as a friend once said, "It's Just Dinner."
Tom Robinson, a professor of advertising at Brigham Young University, came up with this phrase while speaking to a group of young adults nearby. He wanted everyone to stop looking for the perfect mate on a first date, and to take the pressure off dating. We expect too much. We worry too much. We think marriage is at stake (and around here most of us are the religious, marrying kind). And I've often found that because of that pressure that people don't even want to date.
For teenagers, this is completely different, but the pressure is still there. Lots of drama. They forget they're teenagers and they stress about dating and boyfriends and girlfriends. I remember a young man in our neighborhood telling me about his prom experience, and that the "before date" (the time when they take their dates skating or kayaking or whatever) was fun, but once the girl had to put a dress on that she was quiet and withdrawn. Maybe because she felt she had to compete with the other girls. Maybe because there was too much pressure. But dating should be fun. I tried not to let my dresses get in the way of having fun at my prom. I laughed, I joked around; it wasn't much different from being around my friends at school. Being at a dance gave us more time to interact and socialize. I got to know so many people by going on dates with them. If pressure ever got in the way - and it did once or twice - it wasn't fun anymore.
I'm not prepared to teach my kids because they live in a different world than I do. The reality is, they use cell phones all the time. They connect with others through their phones. They can meet people online whether we want them to or not. When my husband and I talk about the way we did things as teenagers, we did not have to compete with phones. Our kids do. And I don't know what to tell them. What are they going to do, ask their dates not to bring their cell phones with them? Too controlling. But I do want them to learn to communicate with people beyond the screen. I'm not sure how to get them to do it, other than setting an example for them. We take our boys to the neighbors with us and we all sit down and talk. We try to get them to hang out with their friends and do things besides gather around a screen. It sounds easy when you say it, but it's hard when their friends show up with phones and I don't feel like I can tell them what to do.
In other words, we're all figuring this out together. There are things we know, as parents, that we definitely should tell our kids. Help them figure things out where you can, and where you can't, pray that they'll be able to figure it out. Dating doesn't have to be tough, and it doesn't have to be so in-your-face. And when hearts are broken, at least I can be one to say, "Hey, I've been there. Right now it sucks, I know. But you know what? You're strong enough to get through it and start over again."
Or at least, something like that.
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