A Hard Thing To Love: Trying to Overcome My Body's Failures

As many of you know, I have a hyperthyroid problem that I am trying to get resolved. One of the things that led me to discover my thyroid problem was my multiple miscarriages. The other thing was that my body suddenly become de-regulated, and I started experiencing other symptoms including rapid heartbeat, inability to fall asleep, bone pain in my ribs and my neck, and other irregularities. 

When I started to type in all my symptoms on Google, thyroid problems came up several times. I decided it was time to go see the endocrinologist, something my OB/GYN had recommended a year ago. The FNP took my blood to do some tests, and then simply felt my neck for irregularities. After about a minute of that, she said, "You have irregularities in your thyroid. I'd like to order a thyroid scan and a biopsy." 

That's pretty much my story. The scan wasn't too scary, and the biopsy was pretty uncomfortable, but I came away from it okay. I did have bruises on my neck for about a week, though. 

My bruised neck. 

My story is not yet at an end. I'm still trying to decide if I want to have my thyroid removed, destroyed, or simply have the nodules shrunk using a new method just recently approved by the FDA. This new method is not available until August, and I would basically be the guinea pig for this doctor, which doesn't make me feel super comfortable. However, it's a good option for someone who doesn't want to take thyroid medication for the rest of her life. 

I'm so whiny, though. Lots of people take the thyroid hormone pill, so I'm sure I could survive it. 

So what's the point of this blog? In the past year, I have tried to go on a diet at least five times. I have felt motivated, strong, and ready, but every time I start I struggle almost immediately. I've been trying to figure it out. Isn't it enough motivation to be healthy? To want to look good? To extend my life? It should be, but I struggled. I still do. 

Last week I started again. I really don't want to quit, and I really don't want to get sidetracked by chocolate cake. I Googled phrases like "how to stay motivated when losing weight" and "why is it hard to lose weight," and I found something interesting that struck me to my core. 

On one of the lists of ways to stay motivated, I came across something I've never seen before. Yes, it had the typical reasons to get in shape, including celebrating successes, finding social support, and finding an exercise you enjoy. But what surprised me was #12 on the list: "Learn to love and appreciate your body." What happened next shocked even me. 

I cried. 

I cried a lot, and I realized I did not love my body and I did not appreciate it. In fact, I had started to hate my body. My body could not do what it was supposed to. It could not control thyroid hormone production. It could not bring a baby to full term anymore. It could not get up without cracking. I had been in a war with my own body, unconsciously depriving my body of what it needed and sabotaging every effort to be healthy. 

So what now? How do I get over this bump? I'm still trying to figure it out, but I started with the suggestions from Healthline: exercise, appreciate what your body can do, stop comparing yourself to others, and wear clothes that you like and fit well. The last suggestion is the hardest for me and I haven't done it yet, but the article suggests I stand in front of the mirror and say things that I like about myself out loud. 

While I gather up the courage to do this, I have also been doing research. Research on foods I can eat to help get my thyroid problem under control. Research on the best foods for middle-aged women. I also looked up meditation exercises on YouTube and have tried some new exercise routines. 

Admittedly, when I weighed myself this morning and the scale told me I weighed three pounds more than I did yesterday, I felt like throwing the scale at the mirror. I wasn' t even sure how that was possible, but I knew I'd had a bad day. I also knew there was no way that I'd actually gained three pounds in one day. So I'm going to wait and see what the scale tells me tomorrow before I fly off the handle. 

I know I have a long journey ahead of me. But if I stop trying, if I give up, what good will it do? My condition will only get worse and my body will continue to fail. That's one thing I don't want. The older I get, the more work I will have to do. And for now, I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with my imperfect body. 

I'm so grateful for my husband and my kids who all stand behind me all the time. I choose not to do everything on my own; I have their help. A support system is crucial for all difficult things in life, whether it's a sister, a spouse, a parent, or a diety. You don't have to do anything on your own, and the people who truly love you will want to help you.